a dream #1

A dream I have to write and produce

I have a friend who wants to become a director

I'm trying to step my talent game up

so that when he becomes influential

I have something that merits his influence

a funny thought on: Seeing old crushes on FB

It's funny that I still have affection for all the guys I ever crushed on. Not in love or wistful. I just care, want to see them happy and successful. It makes me happy because I know while he wasn't "the one"; they each remind me that  I have good taste in men. Not perfect taste, but I know what I like in a guy. I see "it" early and their lives bear out the consistency of the traits that I was attracted too.

a silly thought on: Facebook Pictures

Dear young man with the alluring profile pic. I know what your game is. And y'know what . . .I'm not biting that lure. I'm moving on with my life and on to great things. Like this book I am suppose to be writing and other creative endeavors. Plus, I will come back with a sexy profile pic of my own . . .except I will do it AND be fully clothed. No small feat for a woman in the land of half-naked butts and breasts. But I will and I can because I can beat you at your own game. 

LiveJournal?

So I realize that even though I like writing in my little note books. I still find it easier to type and think. I may begin keeping a diary this way. But I don't think it is appropriate to show my diary-thoughts to the whole world as I have been doing a la "Ze FayceBuuk". It is tres immature and also too revealing. Big Brother now has a clear psychological profile thanks to my confessatory nature. [Ed. Note: Confessatory is not a word.]

I am thinking about finally making use of my "LJ", or El Jay as they said in HS. But besides the awesomely evolved formerly underground gossip column ONTD. Is Live Journal even a thing now? I mean I guess if I am using it as a real diary it would be a good thing for it to not be a highly popular well trafficked website. In any case, I am going to try.

Creativity is not just a buzz word

My biggest realization is this summer is that creative genius is "a thing". It really exists and that it is not to be demeaned.
I have come to acknowledge that creativity takes hard work and effort. That professional artists, writers, designers, and musicians are not all  self-absorbed idealists living in a rarified bubble accessible to the privileged few. There are "working" creative-types who do "ordinary" creative jobs that are highly satisfying but lack the publicity and prestige. 

My whole outlook on what makes "meaningful work" and what comprises a "useful contribution" to society has changed. After all Aristotle, Plato, all the great Western "thinkers" were amazing writers and took time to think deeply before they embarked on all that great sciencey stuff. 

In short, there is a place for thinkers and those who value the quiet space of their own mind. 

Discovering Me

In my college experience the things that I loved to do were things that I considered hobbies and a waste of time: The college TV station, The college paper, working in student senate to draft the new constitution, going to the poetry shows, writing papers for my PoliSci class, coming up with a development plan for a fake developing country . . .etc.

Yes, I thought that writing those papers and making that development plan was just busy work that the teachers gave us. After all, for me, it took almost no effort to do and I enjoyed it, that couldn't possibly be a legitimate lucrative line of work. 

In short, I did not see my skills as skills, I thought everyone should be able to do what I do because it wasn't hard. I wanted a challenge and thought forcing myself to do science was the prestigious and more lucrative path. My options seemed limited in career paths that would make me a lot of money in the shortest amount of time. It was Math, Science, Medical, Business. I couldn't do math and science made me feel inadequate when compared to other students. Medicine required studying lots of science and being around insufferable, self-important science types. I had to reject business as a Christian (so I thought at the time). After all business was for greedy, power hungry people who lacked compassion and wanted to be a part of "the machine" instead of raging against it. I didn't know what to do. So I decided just to graduate. I changed my BioMed major to a Bio Minor with a Major in International Studies. I choose the major because the classes seemed fun and I could still graduate on time.

So then I made the mistake of going on the History/PoliSci Departmental trip to visit a local law school. I had no idea what law school was or what lawyers did. In theory I understood all, everything is just a Google search away, but the reality of it was far from my knowing. When we went on the trip and we experienced a mock class, I had fun. I had the epiphany. I would be a lawyer, I would beast in class, read all the cases and make tons of money. I was wrong. 

At the end of undergraduate, I was burnt out even though I had hope for a post-grad future with my epiphany on the whole lawyer thing. My intentions were to wait a year, get some life experience and then go on to greatness. I guess my family didn't trust me. But in hindsight, I should have just done what I wanted, it would have been cheaper.

The Catalyst part 2

So I was blessed by grace and passed my classes. Barely. But I knew that this summer I needed to sort things out. I thought a nice expensive  vacation to Europe would help until my aunt said that it wasn't a wise choice to over pay for study abroad with loans. She was right and I was broke. I had no idea what to do. I knew what I didn't want to do. Work in the court or law office. While I did enjoy working and valued being in clinic last summer semester. I needed sometime to decompress and just see my life. Threaten my self with a little poverty.

So I signed up for two useful summer class on campus at the law school. I decided to do what I want, play around. Make music, write the script I had been claiming to write for a year, and just enjoy myself. As May became June and summer began, I went through some of my old stuff in a vague attempt to clean up my room and I realized. "I LOVE writing and reading." 

From at least as far back as junior high and more concretely college, all I did was come up with ideas, write down concepts, phrases, story ideas, what-if scenarios. I never had more fun than when I was using my mind to share. As I looked through all my little notebooks, and read some of the story ideas I had written in my junior year of college.  . .I not only enjoyed it but I realized that this was my passion, my talent, and my true calling.

The Catalyst

This past Spring was my toughest semester, I basically gave up on three of my five class. In fact I barely passed which is not good at all but a huge waste of thousands of dollars.

  I knew this and I was frustrated because I couldn't figure out why, I had started out pretty decent, I wasn't top 50% but I was truckin' through. Why did I hate law school all of a sudden? It was because I wasn't doing well, in fact if I studied at all, I would be doing great.

 I realized that I was frustrated, this wasn't what I wanted for my life. It made me sad. I was disillusioned. How could I be wasting so much time and money? What was it that I wanted out of life? Why did I want to drop out?

Why I am Blogging

 I have recently embarked on a journey of self-discovery (in the Greek, not the Buddhist sense) through creative writing and artistic projects. I am FINALLY embracing my talents (now that I see them as talents and not basic, random, things I like to do).

I kind of had to embrace my talents because I have no other skills that could translate into a paying job. At least I could work at a job but I would not be happy. In fact the whole reason I am doing this "self-discovery" is not because I am some hippie-dippie person. It is  because I want to not be homeless and poor, and if I don't figure out something real quick, I will be stuck in a dead-end job and unable to support my family-members (I'm Jamaican, we take care of each other).
 

So taking this time to learn what I am good at and what I can do well makes rational and economic sense. I am no liberal idealist and neither am I a conservative reductionist. I am a long-term risk-averse thinker. If a threat is on the horizon I will do my best to mitigate it. Right now that threat is graduation and pending student loans. If I don't figure out something quick, I will be indentured to the Federal Government for 10 years doing a job that is noble and disheartening. I know deep within that I am not meant for office life. Working inside a building that is boxy and filled with artificial light fills me with dread. 

The reason I am in this position is because I didn't self-examine carefully enough in college. I couldn't "look at myself". I just floated through, trying to make decisions that looked like I was a smart person going somewhere. Even if I wasn't sure exactly where that place was. I was insecure because other people seemed to know what they were capable at. I had no idea. All I knew was that  I was not a sciencey/math person.

Yet, I always thought that field was the true height of genius. I fancied myself fairly intelligent (or so people told me) and I dissuaded my self from pursuing a career in a creative field like music, design, or communications.  I told my self that "Real Smart people get jobs in science, engineering and medicine". Those other careers are frivolous and don't save lives or establish noble work. After all, I was destined for greatness. Great people are in history books . . .for doing things that matter. It is too hard to distinguish yourself as a genius in artistic fields, it is so subjective and in a post-modern world everything is meaningless so what is the point of Art/Writing anyway, no one cares. Instead of examining my beliefs and trying; I ignored my passions and focused on being "successful" by popular standards.

So I denied true myself and I ended up in law school. Now I am mostly unhappy and laden with loans. Hopefully through blogging, I can come up with a solution to get paid and be happy before graduation.

The thrill is gone. . .

So the mere fact that I am only posting my second post in three months since I joined "Miss Travel" shows that the site is just not working for me. However I did make contact with a nice young man from Singapore. It seems he is a student like me . . .so no free trips to SE Asia. :(

 I still haven't deleted my profile however, I am going to mull-it-over until after graduation and see how I still feel about the concept. S/N I swear I saw a profile of Benny Hinn on there with the eyes blacked out. Either it is him, or a private joke by a strange troll.