Why I am Blogging

 I have recently embarked on a journey of self-discovery (in the Greek, not the Buddhist sense) through creative writing and artistic projects. I am FINALLY embracing my talents (now that I see them as talents and not basic, random, things I like to do).

I kind of had to embrace my talents because I have no other skills that could translate into a paying job. At least I could work at a job but I would not be happy. In fact the whole reason I am doing this "self-discovery" is not because I am some hippie-dippie person. It is  because I want to not be homeless and poor, and if I don't figure out something real quick, I will be stuck in a dead-end job and unable to support my family-members (I'm Jamaican, we take care of each other).
 

So taking this time to learn what I am good at and what I can do well makes rational and economic sense. I am no liberal idealist and neither am I a conservative reductionist. I am a long-term risk-averse thinker. If a threat is on the horizon I will do my best to mitigate it. Right now that threat is graduation and pending student loans. If I don't figure out something quick, I will be indentured to the Federal Government for 10 years doing a job that is noble and disheartening. I know deep within that I am not meant for office life. Working inside a building that is boxy and filled with artificial light fills me with dread. 

The reason I am in this position is because I didn't self-examine carefully enough in college. I couldn't "look at myself". I just floated through, trying to make decisions that looked like I was a smart person going somewhere. Even if I wasn't sure exactly where that place was. I was insecure because other people seemed to know what they were capable at. I had no idea. All I knew was that  I was not a sciencey/math person.

Yet, I always thought that field was the true height of genius. I fancied myself fairly intelligent (or so people told me) and I dissuaded my self from pursuing a career in a creative field like music, design, or communications.  I told my self that "Real Smart people get jobs in science, engineering and medicine". Those other careers are frivolous and don't save lives or establish noble work. After all, I was destined for greatness. Great people are in history books . . .for doing things that matter. It is too hard to distinguish yourself as a genius in artistic fields, it is so subjective and in a post-modern world everything is meaningless so what is the point of Art/Writing anyway, no one cares. Instead of examining my beliefs and trying; I ignored my passions and focused on being "successful" by popular standards.

So I denied true myself and I ended up in law school. Now I am mostly unhappy and laden with loans. Hopefully through blogging, I can come up with a solution to get paid and be happy before graduation.