Fear

I think a lot about my fears, things that worry me. Make me afraid. I like Marc Maron because he talks about that in his standup. Actually a of comedians talk about fears, but generally it is debunking social fears. Collective fears of the populace, or the government.

Many comedians will throw in their vulnerabilities but I think the 21st century has a new brand of comedian. The identity specialist.

These comedians talk about their own personal fears and ideas of the world. They essentially built a cult of personality based on people who feel kinship to their world view.

Two come to mind: Aziz Ansari, Mike Birbiglia. They both not only talk about their personal joys, and hang-ups but also candidly reveal their relationships struggles. Not as a caricature but as themselves. Not as an everyman but as themselves and then asks the audience if they can relate to their very real personal struggles and heartbreaks.


This is great art.

Thinky Pain, Writing, and Being Weird.

I was going to comment on Marc Maron's latest stand-up on Netflix, "Thinky Pain" but I actually haven't finished it. I just love the title. As someone who has had bouts of depression and an overactive anxious mind I realize that phrase really encapsulates the struggle of an artist. We feel too much, think too much. Other people have normal issues, we have thinky pain.

Thinky pain is what causes artists to take drugs to try and control the mechanism of inspiration. Because that mechanism is painful, it hurts as it makes you remember things you don't want to remember or makes odd connections to things in everyday life and you wonder, "Am I the only one who sees this?" " Does this even make sense?"

But is it is the artist's view and interpretation that begets art that causes self-reflection in the viewer, the audience. We release our strange ideas and concepts on the world. And the world assents that we have spoken truth. Or the world decries our odd-view. For some artists, it takes time for the world to recognize the truth of what we have realized and revealed through our art.


Philip K. Dick comes to mind. Almost all painters, visual artists. The truth is that the greatest parts of society don't pay very well. At least not in this modern economy. All those we revered in the past would not hack it today.

But back to the "thinky pain", a lot of people don't take mental health seriously enough. Doesn't matter who you are, what age or gender. If you take care of your body, take care of your mind. Make sure your coping mechanisms are healthy and rational.  Find someone you trust to talk you through your troubles and if necessary, take your meds. 

a poem on: the inevitability of adulthood

young boys become young men shouldering responsibility.

young men become just men.

youth filling out with the maturity of age.

 It is more than just the physical growth. Aging.

I am in awe at the imperceptible, spiritual transformation

To see the change in demeanor that wisdom brings

The change in stature from self-confidence, awareness

Experience shows on the face and body of each one.

 I sigh. Life is less forgiving as we move from youth to adulthood

Some men show signs of stress, mistakes of youth haunt their face

Others grow old clinging to the follies of youth,
pushing away maturity in hope of a peter pan existence

Lost Boys inside old men

Others transition more easily, having had mentors, parents, and siblings to guide their steps.

I wonder how they make their way, each day. boys, to youth, to men.

A moment of "selfish" reflection

I am coming back to my blog. I think I have the inspiration to really write about my musings. I feel self-centered sharing my thoughts but I have realized that talking is how we understand each other. My physical silence mirrors my creative silence.

Enough is enough. It is time to speak, time to exorcise the demons of insecurity, self-loathing, and doubt. I am excited to begin a new chapter in my life. Nothing right now is how it was imagine in my head three years ago before I started law school. My warm rosy fantasy has once again been plunged in the cold depths of reality.

I hope that 2013 will begin the slow, unattractive building of a life that leads to glory. It is never the rocket trajectory that the hindsight-biased, neat, made for TV magazine story paints it to be. Glory comes in the dark moments when you feel like collapsing under the weight of your sorrow and it seems you've failed again. Glory comes from pushing forward with hope even when the way ahead looks dark.

One thing that is a credo in my life, an unshakable principle, is that surviving is its self success. To be alive is a victory on its own. Laurence Gonzalez book "Deep Survival: Who lives, Who dies and Why" has underscored that point to me.

Apathy makes us resent existence and the dull, comfortable passing of each day. Apathy comes from a life without risk. Another principle I have learned is that without risk there is no reward. Risk doesn't have to be reckless, it just means that you have to have "skin in the game", that you are putting something of yourself at a risk of loss. That loss could be anything from emotional vulnerability with a family member or actual money to finance a dream.


I pray that we can all learn to risk wisely.